Vaffanculo!

Re-written from 2023 for Great Minds Think –
The Enough Challenge. Our hosts, Sarah & Rohini,
ask us to consider “when is enough actually enough?”
Some of you may remember this one; it felt like
the right time to break it out again. Enjoy!

“So, what brings you here today, Mr. DiNapoli?” asked Dr. Patterson.

“Call me Lou. You gotta help me, Doc! I can’t sleep!” cried Lou in despair. “I’m so tired! I haven’t slept a wink!”

“If I had a dollar for every time I heard that!” laughed the doctor. “Look, Lou. Of all the ailments people discuss with me, the greatest number of complaints isn’t about body aches, irritable bowels, erectile dysfunction or psoriasis: the most talked-about topic is lack of sleep. Falling asleep at bedtime and getting a good night’s rest is a problem that plagues millions so you’re not alone in this. I’m going to ask you some questions; let’s see if we can come up with a solution.”

Lou yawned and nodded in agreement. His wife Marie chimed in. “Maybe you should start by telling the doctor how much coffee you drink every day.”

“Ok, that’s an excellent suggestion. How much coffee do you drink, Lou?” asked Dr. Patterson, his fingers hovering over the keys of his computer.

“Oh, I guess about eight cups a day and an espresso after dinner. We have one of them …. come si chiama? …. Nespresso machines. Fantastic things! Just pop in a little plastic doohickey and brew yourself fresh coffee in no time flat.”

“Whoa! That’s a lot of caffeine, Lou!” The doctor was clearly stunned.” You need to cut back. If you drink that much coffee, at least half of it should be decaf. I’d like to eventually get you down to just one cup of regular coffee in the morning. How about alcohol?”

“Go ahead, Lou. Answer the doctor” Marie said, giving her husband a nudge with her elbow.

“Let’s see …. a couple of glasses of my cousin Carlo’s homemade vino while Marie’s making dinner. And another glass, maybe two, with dinner. Oh yeah, I like a nice Sambuca while I’m watching “The Tonight Show” with that Jimmy Fallon. He’s a funny guy!”

The doctor stared at Lou letting his words to sink in. “That’s five alcoholic drinks per day!” Dr. Patterson was flabbergasted.

“Give or take. Yeah, that sounds about right” was Lou’s reply as the doctor shook his head in amazement.

“What form of exercise do you engage in?” the doctor asked.

“Exercise!?” squawked Marie. “The strongest parts of his body are his fingers …. from pushing himself away from the kitchen table, surfing the interweb and using the remote control. He gets his exercise watching Stallone running up and down those steps in that Rocky movie …. as if that’s gonna work, you stupid jackass!”

Lou’s eyes shot daggers at his wife. She shrugged. “What? It’s the truth and you know it.”

“What about your diet, Lou?” asked Dr. Patterson, eyeing Lou’s substantial belly.

“Diet? I ain’t on no diet, doc! Marie here is a fabulous cook!” Lou exclaimed, making his wife blush. “She makes everything from scratch, including her pizza, pasta, braciola, arancini …. you name it, she can make it. And her ricotta cheesecake? Fuhgeddaboudit!”

“Well, it’s wonderful that Marie’s such a great cook but it sounds like you’re eating a lot of rich, fattening foods” the doctor replied with concern.

“What’s wrong with pizza?” Lou asked indignantly. “It’s the perfect food …. something from all the food groups. You got your carbohydrates, your protein and your dairy, right?”

“Well, technically, yes but I wouldn’t call it ‘the perfect food’.” Dr. Patterson entered all Lou’s information into his computer. “Let me see if I have this straight, Lou. Your caffeine and alcohol intake is very high, you eat rich foods plus desserts, you spend a lot of time in front of some type of device, you stay up late, and you don’t exercise. Is that about right?”

“Yeah, I guess” Lou admitted begrudgingly.

“Do you realize that everything you’re doing is adversely affecting how you sleep, not to mention your overall quality of life? And what about you, Marie! How well do you sleep?”

“Who, me? Why, I sleep like a rock” Marie answered proudly.

“You’re not kidding! Lou guffawed. “You should hear her snore, doc! What a racket! It sounds like bocce balls rolling around the bedroom floor! Hey! That’s probably why I can’t sleep!”

Marie huffed indignantly.

“You snore, Marie?” Dr. Patterson inquired. “Sounds to me like you could have sleep apnea …. a serious disorder. Considering everything we’ve discussed, I’m referring Lou to a life management specialist. And Marie, I’m scheduling a sleep study for you.”

Lou and Marie stared at the doctor in disbelief.

“Can’t you just give me some sleeping pills?” pleaded Lou.

“And maybe all I need are some of those nose strips,” Marie suggested hopefully.

“I’m afraid not. You need to make some serious life changes” replied the doctor, showing Marie and Lou to the door. “Just stop by the desk on your way out and Heather will have all the paperwork ready for you.”

Lou was incredulous. “Thanks a lot for making me tell the doctor everything, Marie! Now I gotta see a specialist!” he griped. “This is all your fault!”

“Oh, shut up, Lou! Thanks to you, I gotta go for a sleep study! Well, you can get your own damn dinner tonight. I’m on strike!”

Lou looked devastated.

“And another thing, Lou …. vaffanculo!”

NAR © 2023, 2026

This is “Mambo Italiano” by Rosemary Clooney, feat. Sophia Loren

Great Minds Think – The ENOUGH Challenge

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