“Say the name of the party you are trying to reach. If you know your party’s extension you may dial it directly. Press the pound sign at any time to hear a listing of the company directory” the robotic voice of the automated answering system at Titan Industries politely instructed me.
“Neville Carter” I replied. For some reason I always felt silly talking to robo machines.
“Devil Carter. One moment please.”
Before I could repeat the correct name, I heard a click and the on-hold background music started – a dramatic instrumental arrangement of Climb Every Mountain. About two minutes later the music stopped.
Click.
“I’m sorry. There is no listing for a Devil Carter. Say the name of the party you are trying to reach. If you know your party’s extension you may dial it directly. Press the pound sign at any time to hear a listing of the company directory.”
I cleared my throat.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t quite get that. Say the same of the party you are trying to reach. If you know your party’s extension you may dial it directly. Press the pound sign at any time to hear a listing of the company directory.”
“NEVILLE CARTER” I annunciated as clearly as possible.
“One moment while I try that party.”
Click. Classical music.
“Ok” I said to myself. “Hopefully we’ll get it right this time.”
“I’m sorry. There is no listing for a Neville Carver. Say the name of the party you are trying to reach. If you know your party’s extension you may dial it directly. Press the pound sign at any time to hear a listing of the company directory.”
“CARTER. NOT CARVER” I said slowly and loudly. I was getting impatient.
“One moment please.
Click. Jazz music.
“I’m sorry. There is no listing for a Carter Not Carver. Say the name of the party you are trying to reach. If you know your party’s extension you may dial it directly. Press the pound sign at any time to hear a listing of the company directory.”
“What the freaking hell! This is ridiculous!” I bellowed into the phone, all the while hearing the same monotonous speech in the background. In complete exasperation I hung up. Then I had an idea: if I call back and press “O” for operator I might actually get a real live person.
“Here goes nothing” I thought as I dialed the number. One ring, two rings.
Upon connecting I immediately pushed “O” while gleefully shouting “Take that, you robotic bitch!”
Then I heard the most beautiful words ever – “Titan Industries. How may I help you?”
“Neville Carter, please” I requested.
“Right away, sir.”
One ring. Two. Three. I started feeling nervous. Finally my call was answered: “You have reached the office of Neville Carter. Your call is very important to us. We are experiencing extremely high caller volume. You are currently caller number 17. Your wait time is approximately 90 minutes. You may continue to wait or call back at a more convenient time.”
Click. Country music.
Damn insufferable machines! I decided to go to Titan Industries in person. I stowed my dog eared copy of How To Make Friends and Influence People into my backpack and headed for the train.
Finding a seat, I took out my beloved book. The train started then stopped. The lights went out and a recorded message crackled through the speakers:
“Attention passengers. Due to mechanical difficulties all service is indefinitely delayed. We apologize for this inconvenience. Thank you for your patience.”
“WONDERFUL!! JUST FUCKING BLOODY WONDERFUL!!” I screamed into the darkness.
NAR © 2023
The Elephant's Trunk 
Darn machines! You’ve captured the absurdity perfectly here.
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It is absurd, isn’t it? But I tried Dorothy’s trick today (see her comment below) and it worked!
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I feel the frustration in this story! 😠 You’ve spun a common annoyance into something quite funny. Well done, Nancy! It is becoming uncommon to find a “live” person.
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Jams Brown sang “It’s A Man’s World”. Helen Reddy sang “I Am Woman”. They were both wrong. The damn machines control us! Glad you liked this one, Michele
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“Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto” 🤖 Life is best explained through song lyrics. It’s more fun that way. 😂 Thank you!
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Oh my, I relate to that blood pressure rise and frustration! Nancy, your storytelling has us all feeling it.
I push “0” immediately to see if I can get a live, breathing, talking human. A while back, someone on the inside gave me a tip that has often been successful even at other agencies: that’s asking for a “Representative”.
As a last resort, I’ll add Dorothy’s intentional mumble to my arsenal.
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Thanks so much! I tried Dorothy’s trick today … and it worked!
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Great, glad to hear that!
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I actually had to laugh at how realistic this is Nancy, great story!
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Good! It’s supposed to be funny in a maddening sort of way. Glad you got a laugh out of it!
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Sadly, we’ve all been there. This is what I do now and it often works. After one try, and that’s all I will allow the robot, I call back again and when it is my assigned time to speak I just mumble. Often, the robot will say something like, Please hold for an operator, and magically one often does appear. It’s always worth a try.
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Hahaha!! That’s brilliant, D! I’ve got to try that! I usually just punch “0” as soon as IT starts talking. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t but, like you said, “it’s worth a try”.
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I tried your trick today, D. It worked!! Take that, damn machine!
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Great! I just blabber like a baby, and it usually works, the computer doesn’t know what to do!
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It was amazing how quickly I was transferred to a real live person!
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Doesn’t always work, but when it does, I feel like I’ve accomplished all I need for the day!
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You know when it is a good time to read this story of yours? Right before giving a beating to some t-bone steaks😆
If anyone reads this and doesn’t have the urge to break something, is either too young or too old…the rest are: let me break this 🤬 in pieces!
Thank you Nancy, for the high blood pressure🤣
And here is what your story brought to mind ( for no obvious reason):
The scenes of Metropolis from Radio Ga-ga
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Haha!! Nick, that was hysterical about the t-bone steaks but I get it. I’ve been there many times so today I tried Dorothy’s trick which was to mumble incoherently when the machine asked a questions. It didn’t know how to respond and I was talking to a live person very quickly!
Great video selection!
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C’est la vie!
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Oui oui!
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So very relatable, Nancy. Wonderful.💕
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Thanks, Grace! I know it happens to me fairly regularly. 🤯
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💕🙏💕
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Those computer voice machines never understand me … “I Am Not A Robot”
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😂 🤖
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😂 And that’s why I always write people. Put it in writing was the first lesson I learned, well it is if you don’t count “Don’t put your lips on a drinking fountain”.
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You’re lucky if you can actually get someone to read what you write!
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You’ve conveyed the frustration so palpably Nancy
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Thanks Sadje. It is extremely frustrating and such a waste of time!
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Oh yes it is. Been there many times
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Yep, been there 🙄
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Me too. No fun … especially when you finally start making headway only to get disconnected!
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Someone told me once to swear and yell on the waiting line, but I can’t do that
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haha! very cute, Nancy ~ and relatable to all of us!
❤
David
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Unfortunately, you are absolutely right!
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