“Eavesdropper, eh? Terrific odds. He’s a mudder and on this muddy track today, I’m taking that as a good sign. Just look at his lineage! Yep, Millie, I predict Eavesdropper’s the winner of Race 9β Harry Goldman boasted to his wife.
She brushed him off with a wave of her hand. βWhatever, Harry Houdini. Not one of your so-called magical predictions has paid off yet.β
βAll right, Millie. I admit you got lucky today. Whatβs your secret? Been communicating with a horse whisperer?β Harry asked, annoyed at his wife’s winning streak.
βOh, zip it, Harry! If it wasnβt for me, weβd be in the poor house. You havenβt won all day! Now be quiet and let me concentrate on my choice for this race.β Millie buried her nose in the racing form.
Harry heaved his portly body out of his seat. βPardon moi, madame. Iβm gonna place my bet on Eavesdropper. Then weβll see whoβs got horse sense!β
βHaha!! Horse sense! That’s a good one, Harry! You’ve been sittin’ on yours so long you’re now a horseβs ass!β Millie cackled. βGo on up. Iβll be along in a minute. Iβm thinking here.β Snapping her Bazooka like a bubblegum queen, Millie studied the lineup for the next race, then clickety-clacked her way to the betting windows, her leopard print heels pinging off the metal steps like a kid’s cap gun.
Bets placed, Harry and Millie settled in for the race. βI got a good feeling about this one, Millie!β Harry said excitedly, rubbing his hands together.
The starting gun shot out and the announcer shouted βAnd theyβre off!β
Eavesdropper took the lead immediately and didn’t let go. Anxious, Harry sprang to his feet, urging his horse on. Suddenly, the horse in fourth place started picking up steam. Faster and faster he galloped, flying past the other horses, and at the last second crossed the finish line just before Eavesdropper.Β
The announcerβs voice boomed over the loudspeaker. βI can’t believe my eyes! What a shocker! The winner by a nose …. Muddy Waters!β
Harry slumped into his seat, defeated. βI donβt freaking believe it! Of all the rotten luck! Eavesdropper was a shoe-in.β
Millie, however, was happy as a clam. βWell, I won again, Harry! Good old Muddy Waters brought it home for mama. I just knew it!β
Harry stared at his wife, amazement mingled with contempt dripped from his creased brow. βNow wait just a damn minute! You won again?? Millie, Iβm begging you! Howβd you do it?β
βHarry, calm yourself before you have a coronary! It’s really a no-brainer. Remember how you said the track was muddy today? When I saw the name βMuddy Watersβ, I knew I had to go with him. I was inspired.β
βOk, I’ll give you that one, Millie. But how’d you pick all the other winners?β
Millie chewed her bottom lip, not sure if she wanted to reveal her secret. Finally she blurted out βItβs the colors! If I like what the jockeyβs wearing, Iβll pick that horse.β
Flabbergasted, Harry spewed out his beer and howled with laughter. βThatβs your strategy? COLORS?!? Ok, Mrs. Crayola. Who you picking for the last race?β
Millie looked around surreptitiously. Tapping the racing form with her fire engine red fingernail, she pointed to a name on the card.Β
Harry was nonplussed by Millie’s revelation.
βHIM?? Rabelais? His color is βEiffel Tower Brownβ β like a friggin’ turd! Are you sure that’s how you wanna go, Millie?β Harry was almost giddy, anticipating Millie’s long-awaited loss.
βShh! Not so loud, Harry! People are listening! He’s from France and you know how I love my Frenchies! You could say I-FELL for them!βΒ Millie elbowed Harry and laughed gleefully at her pun.
βHardy-har-har!! Aren’t you the clever one?” Harry groaned. “I can’t believe I’m saying this but I give up, Millie. Go with your cockamamie hunch and bet it all on Rabelais!β
Millie was already at the window, her chubby fist clutching her money, before Harry was even finished talking.
NAR Β© 2023
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