Longer Stories

THE DIABOLICAL DOCTOR DIAMOND

Nancy's Notes 🖊️🎶

♦︎

It was Devinia Diamond, Doctor of Pharmacology and loathed next door neighbor. I’m sure she’s the one who poisoned the seed in my bird feeders. And I know why she did it, too. It’s because I mowed over her damn ivy vines that constantly spread into my yard, strangling the life out of my trees and latching themselves onto my lawn. I had every right to do so and I personally never stepped foot onto her property – only my lawn mower – yet she sought her revenge by killing the beautiful birds who visit my numerous feeders. All because Devinia Diamond is just plain evil, consumed with revenge and more than a bit demented. 

We’ve had arguments for years now, mostly because she refuses to honor our property boundary lines. She constantly complains about my dog, Roscoe – a lazy old bloodhound who barely barks and never wanders off – but Devinia calls him a “vile creature”. If anyone on this earth is vile it’s her!

But this – the poisoning of my beautiful birds – was senseless and I’m not going to let her get away with it! She thinks she’s so slick. Well, we’ll see about that, Devinia! Yes we will! 

Now, dear readers, put yourselves in my shoes as I stood inside the post office collecting my mail and I overheard the news that Devinia’s garage had all but burned down during the night! What’s that they’re saying? Spontaneous combustion! Of course, I had to act surprised; I bit my tongue to keep from laughing out loud. Earlier this morning I had heard the long-anticipated sirens of the firetrucks arriving at Devinia’s and I was as giddy as a schoolgirl!

The next morning I called for Roscoe. “Here, boy! Breakfast!” He didn’t come lumbering to the kitchen door which is unusual; Roscoe never misses a meal. He was probably snoozing under his favorite weeping willow tree. He loves his naps even more than food. I went out to look for Roscoe and did indeed find him under the tree, but he wasn’t sleeping; the poor old guy was dead. Not a single noticeable mark on his body. One would think he died of old age but I knew better. My buddy Roscoe – never sick a day in his life and now he’s dead – or should I say murdered? And by that lunatic Devinia, I’m sure of it. She hated Roscoe just like she hates everyone and everything. This has gone too far and she’s got to be stopped. That week I didn’t sleep well thinking about poor Roscoe and that she-devil, Devinia.

My goodness! What’s this I see? It’s none other than Devinia walking up her front path and she’s using a cane. “Why, Devinia! What happened to you?” I ask, my voice dripping with syrupy insincerity. “A loose step in the staircase leading to your basement, you say? You’re lucky you didn’t break your neck!” Too bad the cut made by my saw wasn’t deep enough. Next time I’ll make sure the job is done right!

If she knows what’s good for her, Devinia will stay away from me and keep off my property. She’s killed off all the birds and my sweet boy, Roscoe; now it’s just me and my wife, Ellen. Devinia’s presence is unwanted. Her very existence sickens me. 

When Ellen announced she was going to be busy over the weekend with the church yard sale, I decided to drive to our lake house to do some fishing and get away from Devinia for a couple of days. My first night at the lake, I got a call …. the most horrible news imaginable. Ellen was dead! Apparently, she never showed up at the yard sale and wasn’t answering her phone. Ellen’s friends went to our house to check on her; they found her slumped over her desk, dead from an apparent heart attack. Ellen took great care of herself; she was the picture of health. Just like poor old Roscoe, there wasn’t a trace of foul play – no obvious marks, no detectable poison. But I knew. Only a maniac like Devinia was capable of this. She killed my wife and I’m going to get my revenge if it’s the last thing I do. 

Now I ask you, dear readers – who says revenge isn’t sweet? I watched the whole thing unfold from behind my bedroom curtain. Devinia getting into her car, turning the key and then BAM! BAM!! BAM!!! Devinia blown to kingdom come! She had no idea I was a demolitions expert in my army days. This was by far my greatest detonation death dance! No one could prove it was me who did this, just like no one could prove Devinia killed Ellen.  

This calls for a celebration, a toast to my deeply despised and not-so-dearly departed nemesis, the demented Doctor Devinia Diamond. I think that $700 bottle of Opus One Napa Valley cabernet sauvignon will fit the bill nicely. 

I remove the cork and take a whiff. Ah, so savory! Now for a sip. So smooth and easy going down. Exquisite as the most delicious taste of revenge! Finally I can relax.  

But wait. What’s happening to me? My throat and chest are burning! I claw frantically at my shirt collar, ripping off my tie. No! This is not possible!! Always one step ahead, Devinia must have poisoned my wine collection!! I made a foolish mistake and underestimated just how diabolical she could be.

Damn you, Devinia Diamond! Damn you to hell!  

♦︎

NAR © 2023

This is Megadeth performing “Poisonous Shadows” live from the Wacken Music Festivial.

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44 thoughts on “THE DIABOLICAL DOCTOR DIAMOND”

  3. I was thinking Devinia would fit in snugly with my Co-ordination of Supervillains, Nancy. I almost offered her a part, and then read Nick’s comment that made me think twice. (Sorry, Nick, by the way… as you say some people are too despicable.) One good thing is that she didn’t really get the last laugh, did she?
    I enjoyed the read, Nancy. I did start to feel events were all one-sided until the last act, when I realised the two of them were tangoing together.

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    1. It does take two, Tom, and I felt absolutely dreadful after reading Nick’s comment. 😔

      Too bad Devinia won’t be able to join your group of Supervillains; that sounds like it could be quite an adventure! She’s off to do a fire dance with the devil! 👿

      I’m glad you enjoyed the read. Thanks for sharing your thoughts today.

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    2. Nah, Tom… you are absolutely correct that Devinia would be an interesting addition to your Supervillains serial.
      I have a deep understanding with Nancy that enables me to comment like this. Fiction and reality are quite separate in my brain…thus far😆
      My triggers aren’t hairy.
      Too bad she is blown to smithereens… you would do wonders with her character, mate.

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  12. (Do not feel awkward by the similarities between your story and my dog being poisoned to death 21 years ago…)

    Having said that, I pray for all those twenty something years to be able to get my hands on someone who poisons animals… the hell I am going to unleash upon that person, one that will make him or her feel the agonizing pain of my dog (and countless others) as he made his last steps to our yard tree to die there… and yes, I remember exactly the moment i saw him next morning, eyes open, lying there.

    MEDIC, cara.🖤

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    1. Well, now I feel like shit, Nick!
      Of course I didn’t know; if I had, this story would have gone in a very different direction. I, like you, have zero tolerance for abusers of any kind. They are cowards who make those unable to defend themselves suffer abominable pain and anguish. After 20 years, I can hear you are still mourning the passing of your beloved dog. For that I am truly sorry; I can just imagine how you felt a cold chill down your spine when you read that part of my story. Again, had I known …… Never my intention to inflict pain or dredge up old mournful memories. We are writers; our works come from the heart and they impact people differently. I regret your reaction to this piece was not as I had hoped.

      Sei una delle persone speciali che sono sempre nel cuore e nei miei pensieri.
      🖤

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      1. I know your heart, cara. Worry not.
        And for what it’s worth, I had a “Fuck yeah, bitch” when the detonator button was pressed!
        So, you see… even virtually, I had for a split second my payback.

        Anche tu, cara.

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