“Walnut, definitely walnut” declared Sylvia Klein. “Look what is says in the brochure”:
Honor your loved one by choosing an exquisite solid wood casket.
The strong, stately Elite Walnut is a timeless casket that comes with
beautiful platinum swing bars and a secure locking mechanism.
Like most of our funeral caskets, the Elite Walnut features
an Eternal Rest Adjustable Bed and matching pillow.
The luxurious silk velvet lining makes this casket an excellent choice
at the remarkably low price of $17,000.
“Doesn’t that sound ideal, Lenny?!” Sylvia exclaimed to her husband.
“$17,000?! What else is in there – the Crown Jewels?! Who pays that kind of money for a casket?! Sylvia, for that amount we can give our grandsons a bar mitzvah feast fit for a king!”
“Did you see the part where it says ‘adjustable bed and matching pillow’? Oh, Lenny, think how comfortable I’ll be.”
“Comfortable?? For crying out loud, Sylvia, you’re gonna be dead. D-E-A-D dead! This isn’t a week at the Ritz Carlton! Adjustable bed my ass!”
“Lenny, why are you acting like an old tightwad? You always said money is just a number. This means a lot to me!” Sylvia exclaimed tearfully.
“Sylvia, calm down. When have I ever been a tightwad? Our daughters had extravagant weddings. You wanted that chandelier for the dining room which, I’ll remind you, cost a pretty penny. Then there was the Steinway mahogany baby grand and you don’t even play the piano! Let’s not forget the Jaguar with all the bells and whistles and more cruises than 10 seasons of ‘The Love Boat’! Everything you ever wanted I happily gave you but this – this is just a big waste of money!
“Leonard Klein, how can you say that?! My final resting place and you’re calling it a waste of money! Sylvia wailed.
“Sylvie, I’m sorry. Calm down. Can we please discuss this later?” Leonard pleaded.
“Wait, Lenny. You haven’t heard the best part. This is a special for Rosh Hashanah – buy one, get one at half price. That’s only $25,500 for two – one for me and one for you!”
Leonard sighed deeply. “Oy vey, Sylvia, I don’t need all this stuff! Put me in a plain pine box and toss me off the yacht. You can even write on it ‘Leonard Klein sleeps with the fishes’!”
Sylvia started sobbing. “Oh, Leonard, how can you say such a horrible thing? The thought of you being nibbled on by fish and crabs and God knows what … I could die!”
“Sylvia, please stop crying. I was just making a little joke. If you want this ‘Elite’ whatever, we’ll get it. Ok? You feel better now?”
Sylvia sniffled and nodded her head. “Oh yes, Lenny! You’ve made me very happy! Now one last thing: I can’t be buried. I’m terribly claustrophobic. The thought of being underground – I’d die! I want to be cremated.”
“Cremated?!” Leonard yelled, running his fingers through what little hair he had. “Now you want to be cremated? Are you meshugenah, Sylvia? $17,000 for a piece of firewood?!”
“$25,500, Lenny” Sylvia replied.
NAR © 2023
Check out my new
Name That Tune
post today in
The Rhythm Section
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The Elephant's Trunk 
It’s a personal choice, I think, Nancy. Normally we scatter ashes in holy rivers.
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Yes, it’s a very personal choice. I have my plans clearly written out; it makes things easier for everyone.
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Such clear voices here. I felt like I could detect a slight east coast accent 🙂 A really funny read with a great twist ending.
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That’s exactly what I was going for, Bridgette! I’m so glad you picked up on that and enjoyed the story.
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Omg this is hysterical and relatable Nancy. My MIL and FIL bought caskets.. then decided on cremation. Sold the caskets. She died. Now he wants to hold her in her urn in a casket we’ll have to buy. No crown jewels trust me! 🤣
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OMG Cindy! That’s sweet but I’m embarrassed to admit I’m laughing at your story!
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hahahahaha … when we’re not shaking our head and saying oye vey and we’re not even jewish…we’ll be laughing someday!💞
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😂🌹
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Thanks, Lesley! Appreciate you stopping by and giving my story a read!
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I love your stories 💗
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So funny! We’re going out with a puff and smoke, and if Rob goes first – I’m mixing his ashes with those of his beloved pets. Why? Because he’ll be DEAD. D.E.A.D.
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Hahaha!! If Bill goes first I’m adding his ashes in with the kitty litter. He always complains about how I clean the litter so this way he can keep an eye on it. Seems only right.
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now that’s funny1
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If she can hang on until Black Friday they might be dead cheap then!
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Haha!! Love it! Knowing Sylvia, she’d be loathe to miss a sale of that magnitude! Thanks for the laugh, Keef!
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My mother was a practical woman. She asked to be cremated, put in a cardboard box, and scattered in the lake where we lived for many years. So that’s exactly what we did, with great ceremony of course!
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A woman after my own heart! My wish is for my ashes to be mixed in with the sand in Montauk, our vacation spot for 35+ years. Thanks for the personal story, D.
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Perfect!
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I hear they don’t burn the coffins but put you in a cardboard box.
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Well, I don’t want to be on display so a cardboard box is fine for my cremation. I can’t justify spending that kind of money.
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Me neither
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Haha! Are there really people like that?
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Every pot has it’s lid, Sadje!
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🤪
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She keeps threatening to die, she should follow through!
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Lenny has the patience of a saint. She’ll probably outlive him!
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Nancyyy!!😄
You had me at the matching pillow!!
You have inked my kind of comedia ma abre! You should hear the jokes I make for my own cremation!
(I am with Lenny on this one⚰)
Have a beautiful Sunday, cara.
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It’s all for laughs, caro, and comedia macabre is my favorite (second only to the comedic genius of Mel Brooks). 😎 ⚱︎ ❤︎
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