“Debonair, sophisticated and charming” sighed Alice Carter. “Cary Grant and David Niven are so good in that movie. I always loved ‘The Bishop’s Wife’. They don’t make classy movies like that anymore, you know?”
“And that Loretta Young is some beauty, too” replied Alice’s husband Ralph. “Those high cheekbones, full lips, tiny waist and long legs – a real looker, that one.”
“And so chic, too, Ralph. You always knew a real lady when you saw one. Well, I better start dinner. I’m making your favorite – sausage and potato casserole.”
“I hope you made a lemon meringue pie for dessert.”
“Of course! I know what you like, Ralph.”
Returning to the den after starting dinner, Alice found Ralph was watching the news.
“Why aren’t there more delightful men on the news, men like Peter Jennings?”
“Because he’s dead” replied Ralph.
“How about Mike Wallace?”
“Also dead” Ralph reminded Alice.
“Look at this clown, Glenn Beck, wearing jeans and sneakers on a news program! Give him a beanie and he’d look just like one of those little rascal kids. What ever happened to that nice Matt Lauer?”
“Fired for sexual misconduct” replied Ralph.
“Good Lord! I don’t believe it! Well, what about Bill O’Reilly, Eric Bolling and Charlie Rose?”
“Fired, fired and, oh yeah … fired. Alice, can I please have a moment of peace and quiet to watch the news?”
“Well, pardon me for living!” she sniffed. “I’m going to check on the sausage casserole.”
When she returned Alice stopped dead in her tracks. “Oh my God, Ralph! What on earth are you watching now?”
“It’s still the news, Alice. In fact, it’s called ‘The News Channel’. I didn’t change the station.”
“The ‘X Rated News Channel’, you mean! No wonder those poor men got fired. What red-blooded guy could resist floozies like that showing off their goods on national tv? They look like hookers! And look at you sitting there in your underwear all bug-eyed. I’m sure as soon as my back is turned you’ll be jacking off to these little twats. Disgusting!” Alice harrumphed.
“Talk about disgusting! Since when do you talk like that, Alice? Just be quiet. You don’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about. I bet you didn’t even know Russia has topless newscasters? These women are professionals. They’re lawyers, professors and judges, not bimbos with sketchy unspecified qualifications who just walked in off the street.”
“Yeah, they’re highly qualified alright … as teasers and flirts!” Alice snapped. “Take that one on the end with the blonde hair, fishnet stockings and spike heels. Look at how skimpy her dress is. Did they run out of fabric? Her boobs are straining to break loose from her top and the bottom is so short – if she uncrosses her legs we’ll all find out if she’s a real blonde or not! Her other job is probably pole dancing!”
“Woah, woah, woah! That’s enough, Alice. Look, this here is Megyn Kelly. She has a law degree, is a journalist, an author and a world-famous political commentator as well as a news anchor. The dark-haired one on the end is Kimberly Guilfoyle. She’s a political analyst, an attorney and former First Lady of San Francisco. Now she’s engaged to Donald Trump, Jr. I’m sure their families are very proud. Besides being absolutely stunning, they’re brilliant. Why don’t you just run back into the kitchen like a good girl and let me enjoy my one indulgence.”
“Indulgence??” Alice countered. “So you admit it’s all about cheap thrills and nothing to do with the news. You’re such a pig, Ralph!”
“Whatever. How’s that sausage coming, anyway? I’m hungry.”
Alice saw red. “Here’s an idea for you, Ralph. Get Kimberly whats-her-name to heat up your sausage. I’m sure she’s highly qualified!”
NAR © 2019
The Elephant's Trunk 
Fantastic. I can just imagine that scene being played out in black & white with Jackie Gleason and Audrey Meadows.
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Thanks, Fan! I couldn’t resist! Ralph was such an easy mark and Alice always managed to get in the last word. What a great show that was!
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