โSay the name of the party you are trying to reach. If you know your partyโs extension you may dial it directly. Press the pound sign at any time to hear a listing of the company directoryโ the robotic voice of the automated answering system at Titan Industries politely instructed me.
โNeville Carterโ I replied. For some reason I always felt silly talking to robo machines.
โDevil Carter. One moment please.โ
Before I could repeat the correct name, I heard a click and the on-hold background music started โ a dramatic instrumental arrangement of Climb Every Mountain. About two minutes later the music stopped.
Click.
โIโm sorry. There is no listing for a Devil Carter. Say the name of the party you are trying to reach. If you know your partyโs extension you may dial it directly. Press the pound sign at any time to hear a listing of the company directory.โ
I cleared my throat.
โIโm sorry. I didnโt quite get that. Say the same of the party you are trying to reach. If you know your partyโs extension you may dial it directly. Press the pound sign at any time to hear a listing of the company directory.โ
โNEVILLE CARTERโ I annunciated as clearly as possible.
โOne moment while I try that party.โ
Click. Classical music.
โOkโ I said to myself. โHopefully weโll get it right this time.โ
โIโm sorry. There is no listing for a Neville Carver. Say the name of the party you are trying to reach. If you know your partyโs extension you may dial it directly. Press the pound sign at any time to hear a listing of the company directory.โ
โCARTER. NOT CARVERโ I said slowly and loudly. I was getting impatient.
โOne moment please.
Click. Jazz music.
โIโm sorry. There is no listing for a Carter Not Carver. Say the name of the party you are trying to reach. If you know your partyโs extension you may dial it directly. Press the pound sign at any time to hear a listing of the company directory.โ
โWhat the freaking hell! This is ridiculous!โ I bellowed into the phone, all the while hearing the same monotonous speech in the background. In complete exasperation I hung up. Then I had an idea: if I call back and press โOโ for operator I might actually get a real live person.
โHere goes nothingโ I thought as I dialed the number. One ring, two rings.
Upon connecting I immediately pushed โOโ while gleefully shouting โTake that, you robotic bitch!โ
Then I heard the most beautiful words ever โ โTitan Industries. How may I help you?โ
โNeville Carter, pleaseโ I requested.
โRight away, sir.โ
One ring. Two. Three. I started feeling nervous. Finally my call was answered: โYou have reached the office of Neville Carter. Your call is very important to us. We are experiencing extremely high caller volume. You are currently caller number 17. Your wait time is approximately 90 minutes. You may continue to wait or call back at a more convenient time.โ
Click. Country music.
Damn insufferable machines! I decided to go to Titan Industries in person. I stowed my dog eared copy of How To Make Friends and Influence People into my backpack and headed for the train.
Finding a seat, I took out my beloved book. The train started then stopped. The lights went out and a recorded message crackled through the speakers:
โAttention passengers. Due to mechanical difficulties all service is indefinitely delayed. We apologize for this inconvenience. Thank you for your patience.โ
โWONDERFUL!! JUST FUCKING BLOODY WONDERFUL!!โ I screamed into the darkness.
NAR ยฉ 2023