There he stood at the crossroads of his life. He was 56 years old and made more career changes than he cared to remember. He never seemed to find his niche, his place in society. He was adrift, never knowing which direction to take.
Now he was unemployed again; it was not for lack of trying. He was an indecisive man. The only true and clear decision he made was marrying his wife. She was his anchor when he began to drift, his lifeboat when he was drowning in the sea of life.
On this crisp autumn day, he was suddenly consumed with the urge to take a walk, clear his head. His wife offered to go with him, but he declined saying thanks, but he needed this time by himself to think. He wouldnβt be gone too long.
His wife suggested he wear his new yellow windbreaker; if he lost his bearings, as he was often wont to do, heβd be easily visible. And so he donned his yellow jacket and took off to find himself.
Now here he stood at the crossroads of his life, literally. He had a terrible sense of direction and had no idea where he was. As he looked around, he realized he was truly screwed for he blended in perfectly with his surroundings β bright yellow and golden autumn leaves were everywhere and he was in the midst of them.
At that moment he cursed his wife under his breath. He wanted to wear his beloved purple jacket but no, she suggested he wear the yellow one. Because he could never make up his mind, he did as he was told. And now he was lost without a clue which way to go, surrounded by bright yellow and golden autumn leaves.
And to think he went off to find himself. Now he wondered if anyone would find him.
My life-long friend sat beside me, holding my hand as I lay crumbled in bed. Her eyes were rheumy from too many tears, very uncharacteristic of her; I was used to her carefree, bawdy laugh β just one of the many things we had in common.
βIs there anyone youβd like to talk to β¦ besides me, that is?β she asked, already aware of what my answer would be.
βIf you mean a priest, you know better than thatβ I whispered in reply. βNo. I’m ready to go. And youβll be on my heels, toots!β My friend cackled; she knew I spoke the truth but it did not frighten her. Like me, she had enough of this mortal coil.
Weβd been through a lot together, she and I. We thought of each other as sisters, not just best friends. There was only one secret I never shared with her or anyone and I would take that to my grave. I knew I wouldnβt have to wait much longer.
We had both lost our husbands a couple of years earlier; hers went first and mine followed shortly after. We were there for each other through it all. Part of me was relieved my husband went before me; he had always been the stalwart in our marriage, a steady rock who cared for our family without complaint. He was stronger than me; I always knew that and at times it made me feel ashamed because I doubted I could do for him what he did for me. He cared for me even when he was exhausted and ready to drop. How he cried seeing me in pain; he thought I didn’t know but I could hear him weeping late at night. He loved me with all his being until his last day; he slipped away in his sleep without a chance to say goodbye β perhaps the kindest way for both of us. It would have killed him if I’d gone first, leaving him alone.
βIβm so pissed offβ I said, making my friend laugh again.
βTell me about it!βΒ she replied colloquially.Β βI feel your pain, sis.βΒ And I knew she truly did.
Damn this arthritis, this crippling disease that turned me into a twisted dried up old vine! βRemember when I was a hot number a thousand years ago? My melons were nice and firm back then!β
βHaha!! They called us ‘The Honey-Do Twins!βΒ and we both laughed again, happy memories of our once supple bodies dancing around in our brains.Β
βWhat the fuck happened?βΒ and again we cracked up. Our laughs turned to coughs and gradually we calmed ourselves. I strained my eyes to look at my dear friend; at this point, my mouth and my eyes were my only body parts that moved on their own without pain.
βIβve got one regretβΒ I whispered.Β βI should have fought harder. I let this damn crippler control me. I should have pushed myself, done more with my family and friends. I pray they understand and forgive me. I wanted to spend more time with them, live a fuller life; I just hurt too damn much.β
Tears ran down my face and my friend wiped them away. βDo you want me to call your sons?β she asked.
βNo, not now. Wait till itβs over. I canβt bear to look at them.β Even now Iβm thinking of myself. What a coward! βKiss me goodbye, sis. Iβll see you on the other side. I love you very much, you know.β
My friend leaned over from her wheelchair; she gently pushed my hair aside and kissed my cheek, our salty tears mingling.
βGoodbye, my dearest friend. I love youβΒ she murmured, even though she knew I could no longer hear her.Β βIβll be right behind you.β
It was Friday night and my paycheck was burning a hole in my pocket. As it turns out, my on again/off again boyfriend was off again so I was free as the proverbial bird. Just as well; I was getting tired of the slouch anyway. But it was New Yearβs Eve 1946 and I didnβt want to be alone.
Anxious to hit the casino and ring in the new year, I got myself all dolled up in an outfit that was quite possibly illegal in 33 states β a lowcut slinky little silver number with a high side slit, silk stockings with lacy garters and black satin stilettos. Maybe Iβd run into a high roller ready, willing and monetarily able to treat me to a bourbon, a thick juicy steak and a slice of pie a la mode for dessert.
I grabbed a taxi to the hotel, the driver giving me the once-over in the rearview. I wasnβt interested in any two-bit palooka so I played it cool. I pulled my hat down around my eyes, raised the collar of my coat and lit a Chesterfield. The smoke encircled my head and my bright red lipstick left a perfect kiss around the filter.
When we arrived, I tossed a fiver at the cabbie and stepped out onto the sidewalk. The clickety-clack staccato of my heels on the cobblestones alerted the doorman.
βEvening, Miss Stella. You lookinβ like an angel tonight, yes you is!β His eyes twinkled gaily, lighting up his round ebony face.
βJasper, you sweet talker! Too bad some lucky lady already snatched you up!β and he cackled like he was hearing it for the first time.
Only regulars at the Floridian Hotel were on the down low: you took the elevator to the ninth floor then walked up a flight of stairs and headed toward a nondescript door at the end of the hall. If the scowling peepers that glared through the slit in the door approved, you were escorted into a room and through a closet that led to a full-scale casino.
One gander at me and I knew I’d be in like Flynn. Just as I was about to knock on the door, I heard a manβs voice in the darkness behind me.
βThis must be my lucky night. How you doinβ, doll?β
Iβd know that voice anywhere; it was my MIA boyfriend Jake. Yeah, he was a no-account but what a dreamboat β a regular Tyrone Power! He stepped out from the shadows and I found myself getting all twitchy. He looked real good.
βWhatβs cookinβ, baby? You looking for a little sugar?β Jake laughed softly and grinned.
βWhat do you think, Jake? I’ve been all on my lonesome for three months with you gone! Were you in the slammer?β
Like I said, he looked good so I walked right up to him and kissed him long and hard on the lips. He pulled me close, groaning as his hands slid up my dress. He was more than happy to see me, if you get my drift.
βListen, baby, I had a nice gig dealing at a casino up in Buffalo and I made some serious moola running a fool-proof scam. Iβm dealing here tonight. If we double up, we can make a killing.β
It sounded dangerous and exciting. I nibbled his ear and reached between his legs, giving him an approving squeeze. βIβm inβ I whispered.
“Work first, then I’ll show you how much I missed you” Jake said. We knocked on the door. The slit opened and immediately slid closed; the door cracked an inch and we were quickly ushered inside.
ββBout time you made an appearance, Jake. Boss manβs waiting on yaβ barked Marcellus, the bouncer. βStella, my beauty! Lawdy, you lookin’ fine! Always a pleasure.β
βYeah, the pleasure’s all yours, big boy!β I laughed and gave Marcellus a smooch on his chestnut brown cheek. He always smelled of Old Spice.
Jake and I worked our way to the dimly lit back room; the boss was steaming and I huddled behind Jake. I’d never been in the back before; the aroma of old leather and cheap cigars was heavy.
βI donβt like waiting, Jakey Boyβ the boss man grumbled.
βI apologize, Mr. Walters. I was waiting on my girl. You know how dames are. It wonβt happen again.β Jake made nice and I peeked over his shoulder at the head honcho. βPlease allow me to introduce Stella.β
As I stepped from behind Jake, he smoothly slid off my coat. Old Man Walters nearly stroked out when he saw me, eyes bugging as he gave me a slow once over from head to toe.
I extended my hand. βCharmed, Iβm sure, Mr. Waltersβ I purred doing my best Marilyn.
“Sure, Sid, I’ve done it all, even boxman. I’m a pro” I lied. I coulda told Sid I was a circus monkey and he woulda believed me.
“Is that a fact? Excellent! Our usual boxman is out tonight β some nonsense about his wife having a baby. You’ll be Jake’s boxman.” Sid had no idea he just opened the door for us. Jake winked at me on the way out to the floor.
We set up shop at the main craps table; I’d been hanging around casinos long enough to know what I was doing. As boxman, I was the only one allowed to handle the money to make change for chips. The action was heavy and the men were mostly looking at me, not the table. Jake charmed the ladies and I distracted the men. He was like a magician with his flawless sleight of hand. No one noticed big dollar chips making their way into hidden pockets in his suit. My clutch purse was lousy with bacon. Hell, I woulda stuffed big ones in my panties if I was wearing any! The excitement was exhilarating and I was flying high as a kite.
At 3:00 AM Jake and I went down the service elevator for a smoke break. An hour later we were on a train headed to a little desert town out west called Las Vegas with nothing but the clothes on our backs and a whole lot of dough. Along the way I dyed my platinum locks auburn and bought myself a plain dress. We changed our names, kept our noses clean and landed jobs in a greasy spoon, cautiously but consistently making a buck. We shacked up in a room in the back and our salary included a bed and three squares a day. We bided our time until at last we caught a break β Jake bought an old casino and slowly brought it back to life. We started living large; we didnβt look back and Sid never found us. We heard through the grapevine he kicked the bucket trying to screw some chippy young enough to be his daughter. As Jake liked to say “The only way to go!”
A couple years later I mailed four grand in plain brown packages to Jasper and Marcellus. Inside was a card signed with a single βSβ; theyβd know. I had a sweet spot for those two big galoots and they always kept their mouths zipped; it was the least I could do.
Did you ever wonder how New Yearβs resolutions began? I never really gave it much thought so I checked it out and learned it was a religious thing, not to be confused with a βreligious experienceβ. Those I know about!
The omniscient Wikipedia tells us the ancient Babylonians are said to have been the first people to make New Yearβs resolutions some 4,000 years ago. They were also the first to hold recorded celebrations in honor of the new year. During a massive 12-day religious festival, the Babylonians crowned a new king or reaffirmed their loyalty to the reigning king. They also made promises to the gods to pay their debts and return any objects they had borrowed (much like religion and politics today). If the Babylonians kept to their word, their gods would bestow favor on them for the coming year. If not, they would fall out of the godsβ favor β a place no one wanted to be. Babylonia, however, was short-lived; the empire fell apart and reverted to a small kingdom for several centuries.
Hmm, so much for grandiose gestures and so-called good intentions.
I never saw the point in proclaiming a resolution on New Yearβs Eve for all to hear when I knew there was a damn good chance I wasn’t going to keep it. Why put so much pressure on myself? Thatβs not being negative; itβs being realistic. Besides, no one really cares about someone elseβs resolution unless it involves them.
The truth is, Iβm actually pretty happy with the way I am. That said, it doesnβt mean I wonβt try to improve whatever needs improving; just like Jell-O, thereβs always room for improvement. Could I be a better person, do more for others, be more productive? Sure β who couldnβt?
As I sit here this moment, I can honestly say I canβt think of a single New Yearβs resolution I made that I kept. In fact, Iβll take that one step further: I canβt think of a single New Yearβs resolution I ever made β and if I did make one, it couldnβt have meant much because Iβd surely remember, no?
To everyone who makes a resolution tonight and sticks with it, I say βCongrats to you!β. To those who arenβt as successful, welcome to the club β the human league. Itβs a large group and youβre in the fine company of those with good intentions.
As for me, I resolve not to make any resolutions; I can be sure I wonβt disappoint myself or others. I will, however, strive to be a decent person, treat others with the respect they deserve, lend a helping hand whenever Iβm able and β for crying out loud β be honest. Letβs face it; there are some people who lie when the truth would serve them better!
The last two years have been incredibly challenging for everyone; still, there are growing reasons to be optimistic that our fortitude will be rewarded. So hereβs hoping we all have a grand New Yearβs Eve and emerge in 2022 in good health and full of resolve to bounce back stronger than ever.
Attribution of my fear to all things nautical haunted me for years. The cause of this anxiety seemed so near β that feeling you get when a word is on the tip of your tongue but the answer is just out of reach. I finally solved the puzzle quite by accident one day while in an elevator. The song “Tara’s Theme” from “Gone With the Wind” was playing and suddenly the floodgates opened and so many memories came rushing back to me.
When I was a child my family enjoyed watching a television show called “Million Dollar Movie”; the music I heard in the elevator happened to be the theme for that show! The format was to feature popular movies which would run for an entire week, airing twice nightly; after one week a new movie would be shown. For some reason many of the films were scary and rather traumatizing for an impressionable ten year old.
One of the first movies I recall was “Creature From the Black Lagoon”, a dark tale of a strange prehistoric beast that lurked in the depths of the Amazonian jungle. I would scream and huddle close to my father every time the creature appeared on the screen.
Then there was “Journey to the Center of the Earth” about a deranged professor/explorer who led his intrepid party on an expedition in search of the mythical buried city of Atlantis. It was rife with monsters, evil sorcerers and dangerous crystalline mines. I would have nightmares about being trapped under water in one of those mines; I’d wake up in a cold sweat yet I couldn’t resist watching the movie whenever it was shown.
An annual family favorite was “The Ten Commandments” β a cinematic masterpiece by Cecil B. DeMille. As a kid I loved Bible movies! Moses and the Israelites were fleeing Egypt with Rameses and the Egyptian charioteers hot on their heels. Upon reaching the Red Sea, Moses raised his arms and commanded the waters to part, leaving a clear dry path for the Israelites. Taking advantage of the opening, Rameses ordered his troops to continue their pursuit. Suddenly the waters began to churn and roil. Waves as tall as mountains came crashing down on the Egyptian soldiers, swallowing them up like children’s toys. While it was unquestionably one of the most spectacular special effects of all time, the only thing I could think about was how terrifying it must be to find oneself drowning, knowing that death was inevitable and imminent.
Water and all its dangers played a major role in most of the movies that caused me great anxiety. I never had a close encounter with drowning so I just chalked it up to an inexplicable phobia; somehow coming to that realization eased my mind. Years later when my parents invited the family on a cruise to the Bahamas, I admit to having some trepidation but it was our first cruise and my parents were very excited.
Our ship was enormous β the equivalent of a floating resort. Everything we could possibly want or need was available to us from bowling to casinos to Broadway musicals. It was perfect β until we ran into stormy weather which forced everyone inside. I was feeling rather uneasy so I decided to stay in my cabin and relax. Turning on the tv I settled in to watch the movie of the night which happened to be “TITANIC”!! Are you kidding me?! What programming idiot thought that was a good choice?? I spent the last two days of the cruise in my cabin!
That cruise experience pushed me over the H2O edge and I didn’t go anywhere near the water for a while. Who could blame me? That didn’t last long, though; being a true Pisces, I can’t stay on dry land for too long. I’d be like a fish out of water!
Why do you continue to invade my dreams in the stillness of the morningβs early hours? I awaken and for a moment I believe the dream to be true. The feel of your smooth yielding body next to mine, the tenderness of your kiss. I reach for you but you are not there and a tear slowly emerges from the corner of my eye.
Somehow I manage to get through the disorder that is my life but without you I am not truly alive; I merely exist. You asked so little of me and brought unimaginable joy to my lonely world. How I loved treating you like royalty; you were my princess dressed in satin and lace, your shining blue eyes sparkling with excitement whenever I brought home a gift for you. You delighted in each present, whether a bottle of perfume or a book of poems which I would read to you every night.
Yet, in all honesty, those steamy sensual sex games we played are what I miss the most. You were insatiable, your beautiful mouth smiling with desire, your lithe body as malleable and compliant as the branches of a willow tree. Those intimate times we shared together in our apartment are etched in my mind forever.
Leaving you in the morning to go to work was torture. Knowing youβd be there waiting for me when I returned was the only thing that got me through the day. Iβd race home to see you, to embrace you. But that all ended one year ago when I found you lifeless on our bed. You were so beautiful that morning as you slept I didnβt have the heart to wake you. I placed a single rose on your breast for you to discover when you awoke and quietly closed the door behind me. Oh, the dreadful nightmares constantly invade my sleep! How could I have left you alone like that? Iβm sorry, my darling Hope.
Today I walked to the park. When I realized it was our anniversary all the air left my body and I felt empty inside. The children in the park were playing with kites and balloons, laughing with glee as the wind lifted their playthings higher and higher. Suddenly one of the little girls cried out in dismay as the string escaped her hand and her balloon slowly floated out of sight. The poor child was inconsolable. I thought of you and called your name. The little girlβs mother bought her a new balloon and gently tied the string around her daughterβs wrist; she ran off laughing, carefree once again.
Thatβs when I realized I had two choices: continue living the life of a lonely, broken man or find someone to share my life. That, my darling Hope, is when I chose the latter. I truly believe you would want me to find happiness again, to fill this void in my wretched life.
I slowly walked home, retrieved my mail and sat on the couch, dejected. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the tip of a familiar publication. Could it be? On our anniversary? Yes, it wasβ Johnson Premium Dolls with a large banner advertising 40% off discontinued sex dolls. With trembling fingers I flipped through the pages until I found you, my dearest Hope. I was overcome with joy and placed my order immediately.
Tomorrow I will insert this letter into a balloon, inflate it and release it to reach you in heaven. And never again will I buy you even one thorny rose.
βPapers! Not one, not two but three papers all due on Monday!β exclaimed Charlie in exasperation. βOne on the assassination of JFK, another on the Scopes Trial and…..β
βLet me guessβ interrupted Charlieβs sister Erica. βA 1,000 word book report on βTo Kill a Mockingbirdβ.β
βHow could you possibly know that?!β questioned a puzzled Charlie. βYou must be psychic!β
Erica laughed. βHardly! Mr. Cavanaugh hasnβt changed his assignments in years. I bet he still says the same thing.β
Brother and sister looked at each other trying not to laugh as they simultaneously did their best Mr. Cavanaugh impersonations β βRemember class, the quantity of your work is second only to the quality!β
Erica and Charlie cracked up laughing.
βWell, kiddo, good thing our folks are at the cabin this weekend and Iβm going to Six Flags with Kate. You’ll have plenty of peace and quiet to get all your work done. Good luck, bro!β Erica laughed as she waved goodbye to Charlie.
βIβm gonna need it!” he groaned. “My grades havenβt been very good lately.”
Charlie went to the den where he and Erica always did their homework. First he read his emails, then went on Facebook, YouTube and TikTok. Bored, Charlie started looking through the drawers of the desk. There were recipes, catalogs, magazines and at the bottom of the pile was a binder marked “My Junior Year” in Erica’s handwriting.
βHmm … I wonder?β Charlie asked himself. He looked through Erica’s binder and found a tab that read ‘ESSAYS‘.
βSweet!β Charlie exclaimed. βLetβs see what we have here.β
With anticipation he ran his finger down the list of Ericaβs essays, his eyes almost bugging out of his head when he spotted βJFK Assassinationβ. Further down the list he found βThe Scopes Trialβ.
βThis is too good to be true!β Charlie exclaimed. βTwo out of the three essays I need are here! I’m sure Ericaβs book reports are here, too … fingers crossed.β
Sure enough Charlie found another label which read βBOOK REPORTSβ. Pouring over the titles, he shouted βBingo! There you are! βTo Kill A Mockingbirdβ. Three for three!β This was an incredible find. Charlie wondered if Erica even remembered her binder was there.
Taking all three of Erica’s assignments, Charlie sat at the computer station where he scanned and forwarded all the papers to himself. He then changed the dates, margins and fonts so his work wouldnβt look identical to Ericaβs. Finally, changing her name to his, he printed out the papers, returned the originals to the binder and shoved it back under the pile.Β
βDone!β he crowed, feeling quite pleased with himself. “And I didn’t have to do any work!“
Charlie spent the rest of the weekend hanging out with his friends and watching movies on Netflix. On Monday he confidently turned in his assignments. On Friday Mr. Cavanaugh handed Charlie a large folder. To his shock inside were his reports as well as copies of Ericaβs reports. All Ericaβs papers were marked with a big red βFβ; his were marked βCFβ.
βObviously you had no idea that I save all my students work. You also did not know that Erica failed her assignments” Mr. Cavanaugh reprimanded Charlie. “By copying her work you not only cheated, you failed. Therefore, I’ve given you the grade of ‘CF’ β βCβ for βCheatingβ and βFβ for βFailβ. Your parents have already been informed of this. I hope you have learned your lesson β the lazy student will cheat and malinger and by doing so will always fail.β
Charlie felt sick to his stomach; he never saw this coming. How could he have been so stupid? He didn’t notice that none of Erica’s papers were graded; they were just copies of her work and not the actual reports she handed in. Charlie knew his parents were going to be furious with him. It was bad enough that Erica failed; he cheated and failed.
βNo point in putting off the inevitable any longer. Time to go home and face the consequences” Charlie thought as he dejectedly walked out of the classroom.
Mr. Cavanaugh shook his head. “There’s one every year.When will they ever learn?”
The Elephant's Trunk 