Bible Stories – The Elephant's Trunk

DAY 1 – Today, as I walked the hills, God spoke to me. We’ve had many talks before but today was different. There was a certain unhappiness in his voice and he didn’t say much. Later, right in the middle of dinner, I heard God calling: “Noah? NOAH!” Oh, for Christ’s sake! Always when I’m eating! I got up and went to our usual spot. God said that he was going to start a torrential rain that would flood the earth, essentially killing everyone. Then he told me to wait for instructions. OMG! This is heavy duty. I totally lost my appetite.

DAY 15 – Two weeks later God called again and said he wanted me to build a boat … actually, he called it an ark and it had to be a certain number of cubits (Note to self: Google cubits). After it’s built I can bring only my wife Na’amah, our sons and their wives. In truth I did ask if I could leave the women behind but God just laughed and laughed. He said there was a method to his madness and I’d thank him later. Now, here’s where it gets really m’shuge: God told me I had to bring two of every animal, male and female, and enough food to feed every living thing for forty days and forty nights. I don’t think even He knows what a monumental undertaking this is.

DAY 18 – Tonight I told the family what we had to do and they looked at me like I was from Mars. I said “I know, I know! Enough with the looks already! As nuts as it sounds, that’s what He wants so that’s what He’s gonna get.” My sons began helping me build the ark while the women baked plenty of unleavened bread, cured meat and picked legumes, vegetables and fruit.

DAY 318 – Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, we finished the ark. You should have seen the crowd we attracted! I guess these people have nothing else to do all day except watch us work and crack jokes. “Just wait; you’ll see” was all I could say. So now came the major task of collecting the animals from their holding bins and loading them all onto the ark. Just as we got the last of the animals on board, the skies opened up and it started to pour. Rain like I’ve never seen before came down in sheets. The water rose quickly and we pulled up the plank, making sure everything was totally secure. We could hear the people outside; they weren’t laughing at us now. We felt the support beams fall away and the ark was afloat. Soon we were far enough away and all was quiet except for the sound of the rain. It was not easy and the women were very upset but I knew I was doing God’s will.

DAY 358 – Let me tell you, these last 40 days were no pleasure cruise; I don’t remember ever being locked up with four women and no means of escape. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Today we opened the hatch and discovered the rain had stopped. We released one of the doves; after a while it returned with a branch and we knew the waters had started to recede. Things looked promising; we even saw a rainbow. Then out of nowhere my wife says “Noah. There’s a problem. Nobody noticed we forgot the unicorns.” Well, I sure had a good laugh over that one. “You believe that fairytale??” I guffawed. “Next thing you’re gonna tell me is someone’s gonna write a book of biblical proportions about us. Maybe they’ll even make a movie. Na’amah, you crack me up!”

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If there’s such a thing as a “religious mutt”, that would be me:

• Born and raised Presbyterian (totally laid back)

• Attended Lutheran school for 12 years (spiritually ardent)

• Married a great Catholic guy and converted to Catholicism (not a huge leap from Lutheran but a billion light years from Presbyterian)

I now think of myself as a Christian; it’s a long story for another time.

Though diverse in many ways, one basic tenet these three denominations espouse is the existence of heaven and hell.

As a teenager at our quaint Presbyterian church, I taught Sunday School to kindergarteners. We read Bible stories, watched animated videos about the Old and New Testaments, sang songs, did religious arts and crafts. It was uncomplicated – until one of the children asked what happens when we die.

“You go to heaven, unless you’ve been really bad” one girl adamantly answered.

“Yeah! Then you go to H-E-L-L!” another kid chimed in, spelling out the bad word.

“That’s right but only the girls get turned into angels and then God tries to do the best he can with the boys” claimed an intrepid little girl.

“That’s not true” yelled the boys. ”Everybody in heaven is an angel and God is the head angel!”

Suppressing a laugh, I figured I better take back control of my class and start asking some questions.

“Who thinks they know what heaven is like?” I asked.

The girls all agreed that “there’s lots of singing and dancing to harp music and everyone wears flowers in their hair.”

But the boys had different opinions, especially about wearing flowers in their hair. “Boys have halos just like Jesus and they help feed the animals in heaven.”

One boy raised his hand and answered very seriously “There are no doctors or lawyers in heaven because God does all the healing and arguments aren’t allowed.”

“There’s always angel food cake – not devil’s food cake” giggled a blue-eyed tyke.

A little girl was next to answer the question. “God sits in heaven but he isn’t on a throne or anything like that. He sits in a garden playing with the children, puppies and kittens and lets them climb on him. And the grownups just do stuff like they used to do at home.”

I asked another question: “How did heaven begin?”

Silence.

Then one timid, diminutive girl answered quietly “A really long time ago a lot of kids were crying because their grandmas and grandpas were dying so God said ‘Don’t cry. I’m going to make a beautiful place way above the clouds where all the grandparents and parents and pets can stay forever’. And so he made heaven.”

I felt a lump in my throat, perhaps thinking of my own grandparents, but in all honesty I’m sure it was the simple yet poignant answer of that sweet girl. I coughed a bit to mask the emotion in my voice and asked another question.

“Is there a special test to get into heaven?”

I was rewarded with a resounding “NO!”

I countered with “No? Well if there’s no test how do we get into heaven?”

An adorable red haired boy covered with freckles quickly raised his hand and said “When you get to heaven God whispers one question in your ear.”

“He does? What’s the question?” I asked.

“He asks ‘Do you love me?’ It’s really not a hard question. And when you say ‘Yes’, God kisses you and says ‘Come on in!”

Intrigued by that answer I asked “And how do you know this?”

Displaying a toothless grin he declared “My grandpa tells me every time I talk to him. That’s what God asked my grandpa when he got to heaven and he said ‘YES!’”

And all the kids shouted “YES!!”

I think I’m ready for my final exam. Are you?

Tag: Bible Stories

WATER, WATER EVERYWHERE

SPEAKING WORDS OF WISDOM

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