Miscellaneous

Nowhere Man: State Of Mind

Nancy's Notes 🖊️🎶

Written in response to 9/12/25 Friday Faithfuls

Image from Jim Adams @ Friday Faithfuls

Professor Jim Adams always gives us something to think about! This week at Friday Faithfuls, Jim has asked us to think about the theme “So Many Mental Issues” and to respond by writing about anything relevant to the subject of mental health.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a non-fiction story about my sister’s husband who has been suffering with dementia for several years. It’s a major struggle for both of them just getting through the day as he floats in and out of lucid moment. Since his diagnosis, his health has declined. He has had several surgical procedures on his back and is still in constant pain, unable to walk without a walker. He has had eye surgeries which were unsuccessful and his vision is extremely bad. And if that wasn’t enough, he is incontinent.

Recently, my sister placed her husband’s name on a long waiting list at a nearby nursing home. As of this writing, they have a caregiver who helps with my brother-in-law daily from 10AM till 7PM. It’s a huge help but it’s the overnight and early morning hours when my sister really needs help as her husband recently fell in the garage while roaming around the house at 3AM. He cut his head, requiring stitches, and my sister feels guilty for not having heard him getting out of bed. She had alarms installed on various doors in the house in case he tries to go outside during the night. She is now in the process of applying for an overnight caregiver; the flood of paperwork is daunting. It shouldn’t be so difficult to get help.

Prior to the onset of this disease, my sister and her husband were the happiest, most well-adjusted people whose greatest joy in life was helping others, doing home repairs, singing in their local choral group and spending time with their kids and grandkids. They cooked massive meals together, often sharing food with friends and soup kitchens in Poughkeepsie. In addition to being a great cook, my brother-in-law could repair or build anything and happily shared his talents with anyone who needed a hand. They were the best people I knew. Now they are living with this dreadful disease and I just don’t get it. Why does something this horrible happen to two of the finest people on earth?

I can’t answer any of the questions I have. It makes me sad and angry to see this beautiful man spending the final years of his life in this unforgiving and unrelenting state of mind. My heart breaks for my sister as she  lives with the daily decline of her husband of 58 years. No one should have to live such a cursed life.

Here is the story of my sister and her husband when dementia first wormed its way into their lives.

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Rosemarie looked up from her book and stared at her husband David as he fiddled with his iPod; at one time, he knew every little detail about that thing but now the device totally confused him. In frustration, David cursed as he threw the iPod across the room yelling “Damn thing’s busted!”

Rosemarie sighed and retrieved the iPod, placing it on the table between their recliners. She glanced sadly at David who sat in his chair staring straight ahead. Rosemarie asked herself “Where is my husband of 58 years?” For her it was like he was gone, replaced by this ‘nowhere man’.

In an attempt to help David calm down, Rosemarie suggested they look at the iPod together after dinner to figure out what was wrong with it. That only seemed to anger David even more and he shouted back at her that he was not a child and she shouldn’t patronize him. When  Rosemarie apologized and told David she was going into the kitchen to prepare dinner, he snapped at her: “It doesn’t matter! I’m not hungry!”

In the kitchen Rosemarie wept silently; it was like this ever since David’s diagnosis of early onset dementia. Now they squabbled over everything, especially things he used to do without a second thought, like sorting out his meds. When Rosemarie offered to help, David lashed out saying he could do it himself. He mixed up his pills and had a bad reaction leaving him feeling nauseated, hopeless and helpless.

David came into the kitchen and, without being told, went straight to the spot where Rosemarie stored her cutting boards and knives and started chopping vegetables for their salad. Without skipping a beat, he chatted amiably with Rosemarie about a movie he thought they might enjoy watching after dinner. The old David was back .… at least for the moment.

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This is “Nowhere Man” by the Beatles

So Many Mental Issues

Thank you for reading my post today and special thanks to Jim Adams for keeping us aware and asking questions.

That’s all she wrote, kids. See you on the flip side. 😎

NAR©2025

All rights reserved for Nancy Richy and are not to be used without permission. NAR©2017-present.

40 thoughts on “Nowhere Man: State Of Mind”

  3. Such a heart wrenching post Nancy, and words aren’t enough, , …nothing said will ease anything, … actions are what counts, …and the Health Services (here in the UK) just seem to let more and more people down, help wise …Dementia is a cruel master, one day fine one day not, …’til it becomes too much, and cruelly takes its prisoners captive, … I’m so so sorry Nancy, …💙

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    1. Thank you, Michele. Sadly, there are so many people facing the same life-altering illness each minute of every day. I pray a cure will be found; it won’t help my brother-in-law but perhaps it will help the 60 million other people suffering in the world today. ❤️‍🩹

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      1. So sad, yes. Heartbreaking and widespread, yes. I have a dear friend in a similar situation, as your sister, and I lost a loved one a few years ago to the cruelty of Alzheimer’s. The stories seem endless. One thing I’ve learned from one of my best friends, whose father avoided getting checked out due to fear and shame, is the sooner the better. You’re welcome, Nancy. Thank you. 🙏🏻

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  6. My Mum had dementia, and could remember the words from songs I played going back forty years plus, but couldn’t tell you what she had for breakfast, or if she actually had any. It’s a horrible disease, you are losing someone you love and there is nothing you can do about it. My sister couldn’t cope and was able to find a place in a local nursing home. For us it was a 300 mile drive. It cut into me like a knife when Mum didn’t recognise my voice on the phone, and she would get so distressed, the last thing I wanted, so I wrote letters, twice a week and she knew who they were from.
    It’s been seven years but feels like yesterday. We visited when we could, and once we found a subject she could join in the conversation with, we kept it going. She is reunited with my Dad and I take comfort in that.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and memories, Di. Dementia is a nightmare, a fiend that cuts families apart. My experiences with my mother were very similar to yours. She recognized me in the photos on her wall in the nursing home and even referred to me by name but she didn’t know who I was in person standing right next to those very same photos.

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  9. What a heart wrenching reality. I expect to be counted among the numbers of the last for generations of women who succumbed to dementia long before their bodies got a clue- so this hits especially close to home. Wonderful narration written with all of the grace that can be afforded such difficult subject matter.

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    1. It grieves me to read your comments about yourself, Jodi. You obviously have your reasons for believing what you do about succumbing to dementia.
      I appreciate your gracious comments about my story; being so close to the situation, it wasn’t easy to write. It’s even more difficult to witness except for the love between my sister and her husband. Despite everything they have been going through, their love has not waned one bit.

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  10. This is so sad, Nancy. 😟 My heart goes out to your sister and her husband! I hope she is able to get more help soon. We are a senior couple and one of my biggest fears is that he or I (or both of us!) might end up in similar circumstances. 😬

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  11. I hope your sister can get additional help soon. You are so right about all the paperwork – it’s as if they hope you’ll give up! When my father was in the nursing home, Medicaid would send something to my mom at least once a week for her to fill out and fax back. She was in a situation where she spent her days at the nursing home, helping my dad but she certainly wasn’t his sole caregiver like your sister is. It’s really hard to find time to fill out that paperwork and it’s so frustrating. I swear, it is like they just want you to give up so they won’t have to spend any money on the person in need.

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    1. Isn’t that a sad fact? I’ll text or call my sister and sometimes she’s too exhausted from hours of filling out paperwork or being on the phone with Medicaid to even talk to me. She is 78 and has had to learn all this stuff on her own; at times it’s like reading a foreign language! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Lisa.

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  12. My parents both suffered dementia in their later years, and it is heartbreaking to see the decline of someone you love who has been a constant in your life. Your sister deserves all the help she can get, and I hope they get that additional carer.

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      1. You’re welcome. Just throwing this out there, but are there any Independent Living places where they could both stay together but he gets the help he needs? Also, you just reminded me, I didn’t see if you posted an update on the city harassing your sister for her flowers in the front yard.

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  14. Dementia can be very troubling as my mother-in-law was suffering with this when she lived with my wife and me. Some days she was very lucid and other days not so much. She was not bathing regularly, but the thing I disliked was her telling the same stories over and over again. She had a great memory of her past, but she had no clue what she ate for breakfast. Thanks for sharing your story about your sister and her husband, Nancy.

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