PHAT ASS RAP

Breaking out a fun old one for Fandango’s One Word Challenge!
#FOWC – Ounce

🎤  🎼 🎤 🎵 🎤 🎶 🎤

Weighed myself on the bathroom scale today.
I gained fifteen pounds. No goddamn way!
Eatin’ Dunkin Donuts – now what you gonna do?
With an ass that big no man will look at you.

Planned a two-week vacation in the land of Eritrea.
Lookin’ like a tub of lard they just might mistake ya
For an elephant, a rhino, or a hippo or a pig.
Why’d I ever let myself get so freakin’ big!

An ounce here, an ounce there.
OMG! I’m pulling out my hair!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
Listen when I tell ya it just ain’t fair!

Suppose I could put myself on a damn diet.
I really don’t wanna cos I know I won’t like it.
Maybe I should get a pass to my local gym;
Hop on the treadmill and get myself slim.

Lots of them gym rats look mighty hunky;
Maybe one or two will like a girl who’s chunky.
But working out will have me sweating like crazy.
Fact of the matter is I’m just too goddamn lazy!

An ounce here, an ounce there.
OMG! I’m pulling out my hair!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
Listen when I tell ya it just ain’t fair!

Got me a pair of some violet spandex pants
But I didn’t look like JLO when she does a sexy dance.
I looked like a balloon in the Christmas Day parade
Or a big fat-ass clown in the penny arcade.

At the gym was some guy called Aristophanes,
All greased up, looking pretty as you please.
This guy was hotter than melting candle wax.
I wanna take him home, give his ass a few smacks.

An ounce here, an ounce there.
OMG! I’m pulling out my hair!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
Listen when I tell ya it just ain’t fair!

I started warmin’ up and I know I caught his eye
Cos he walked right up to me saying “My, oh my!
You are one fine mama in those pants so tight.
Let’s blow this joint and have some fun tonight!”

I said “Oh yeah, baby. You lookin’ mighty hot.
Come back to my place and show me what you got.”
But when we got home he couldn’t get my pants off
He was a-huffin’ and a-puffin’ like Sir Peter Ustinov.

An ounce here, an ounce there.
OMG! I’m pulling out my hair!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
Listen when I tell ya it just ain’t fair!

My ass got so big it filled up my recliner
And here I was thinkin’ I looked even finer
Than Kim Kardashian and her big ass sister too
But I was plenty wrong! Oh, what’s a girl to do?

Now wait just a minute – there still may be some hope.
That guy called Aristophanes thought I looked dope.
I’ll go back to the gym in my spandex all a-glitter
And this time they will have a nice long zipper!

An ounce here, an ounce there.
Let’s cut out all this drama!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
I’m a phat ass mama!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
Let’s cut out all this drama!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
Just call me when you wanna!

🎤  🎼 🎤 🎵 🎤 🎶 🎤

NAR © 2021

FOWC with Fandango — Ounce

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