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Tag: Weight
Propagation of Uncertainty
Written for Sammi’s Weekend Writing Prompt #383
where we are asked to get creative in exactly 80 words using
any form of the required word “calculate”. Here is my flash.
Think about all the calculations involved in bridge building – not the least of which is the maximum weight a bridge can hold at any given time. I’m not a mathematician or an engineer but it’s obvious the answer isn’t one you can get wrong … ever. No guessing allowed! One small miscalculation could spell disaster. Imagine tossing and turning in bed after handing in your numbers to the bridge committee, wondering if the decimal point was in the right place.
NAR©2024
80 Words
This is “The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy) by Simon & Garfunkel.
All text, graphics and videos are copyright for The Sicilian Storyteller, The Elephant’s Trunk and The Rhythm Section and are not to be used without permission. NAR©2017-present.
VAFFANCULO!
“So, what brings you here today, Lou?” asked Dr. Patterson.
“I can’t sleep, Doc!” replied Lou in despair. “I’m so tired! I haven’t slept a wink!”
“If I had a dollar for every time I heard that!” laughed the doctor. “Look, Lou. Of all the ailments people discuss with me, the greatest number of complaints isn’t about body aches, irritable bowels, erectile dysfunction or psoriasis: the most talked-about topic is lack of sleep. Falling asleep at bedtime and getting a good night’s rest is a problem that plagues millions so you’re not alone in this. I’m going to ask you some questions; let’s see if we can come up with a solution.”
Lou yawned and nodded in agreement. His wife Marie chimed in. “Maybe you should start by telling the doctor how much coffee you drink every day.”
“Ok, that’s an excellent suggestion. How much coffee do you drink, Lou?” asked Dr. Patterson, his fingers hovering over the keys of his computer.
“Oh, I guess about eight cups a day and an espresso after dinner. We have one of those – whatchamacallits – Nespresso machines. Fantastic things! Just pop in a little plastic capsule and brew yourself fresh coffee in no time”
“Whoa! That’s a lot of caffeine!” The doctor was clearly surprised.” You need to cut back. If you drink that much coffee, at least half of it should be decaf. I’d like to eventually get you down to just one cup of regular coffee in the morning. How about alcohol?”
“Go ahead, Lou. Answer the doctor” Marie said, giving her husband a nudge with her elbow.
“I’ll have a couple of glasses of my cousin Carlo’s homemade vino while Marie’s preparing dinner. And another glass or two with dinner. Oh yeah, I like a nice sambucca while I’m watching “The Tonight Show” with that Jimmy Fallon. He’s a funny guy!”
The doctor stared at Lou allowing his words to sink in. “That’s five alcoholic drinks per day!” Dr. Patterson was flabbergasted.
“Give or take. Yeah, that sounds about right” was Lou’s reply as the doctor shook his head in amazement.
“What form of exercise do you engage in?” the doctor asked.
“Exercise!?” squawked Marie. “The strongest parts of his body are his fingers … from pushing himself away from the dining room table, surfing the interweb and using the remote control. He gets his exercise by watching Stallone running up and down those steps in that Rocky movie … as if that’s gonna work, you stupid jackass!”
Lou’s eyes shot daggers at his wife. She shrugged. “What? It’s the truth, Lou, and you know it.”
“What about your diet, Lou?” asked Dr. Patterson while eyeing Lou’s sizable belly.
“Diet? I ain’t on no diet, doc! My Marie is a fabulous cook!” Lou exclaimed, making her blush. “She makes everything from scratch, including her pizza, pasta, braciola, arancini – you name it, she can make it. And her ricotta cheesecake? Fuggedaboutit!”
“Well, it’s wonderful that Marie’s such a great cook but it sounds like you’re eating a lot of rich, fattening foods” the doctor replied with concern.
“What’s wrong with pizza?” Lou asked incredulously. “It’s the perfect food – something from all the food groups. You got your carbohydrates, your protein and your dairy, right?”
“Well, technically, yes but I wouldn’t call it ‘the perfect food’. Dr. Patterson entered all Lou’s information into his computer. “Let me get this straight, Lou. Your caffeine and alcohol intake is off the charts, you eat rich foods and desserts, you spend a lot of time in front of some type of device, you stay up late and you don’t exercise. Is that about right?”
“Yeah, I guess” Lou admitted begrudgingly.
“Do you realize that everything you’re doing is adversely affecting your quality of sleep? And what about you, Marie! How well do you sleep?”
“Who, me? Why, I sleep like a rock” Marie answered proudly.
“You’re not kidding! You should hear her snore, doc!” Lou guffawed. “What a racket! It sounds like bocce balls rolling around the court! Hey! That’s probably why I can’t sleep!”
Marie huffed indignantly.
“You snore, Marie? Sounds to me like you could have sleep apnea – a serious disorder. Considering everything we’ve discussed I’m referring you, Lou, to a life management specialist. And Marie, I’m scheduling a sleep disorder study for you.”
Lou and Marie stared at the doctor in shock.
“Can’t you just give me some sleeping pills?” pleaded Lou.
“And maybe all I need are some of those nose strips” Marie suggested hopefully.
“I’m afraid not. You need to make some serious life changes” replied the doctor showing Marie and Lou to the door. “Just stop by the desk on your way out and Victoria will have all the paperwork ready for you.”
“Thanks a lot, Marie, making me tell the doctor everything! Now I gotta see a specialist!” Lou griped. “This is all your fault!”
“Oh, shut up, Lou! Thanks to you, I gotta go for a sleep study! Well, you can get your own damn dinner tonight. I’m on strike!”
Lou looked devastated.
“And another thing, Lou – vaffanculo!”
NAR © 2023
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PHAT ASS RAP
Breaking out a fun old one for Fandango’s One Word Challenge!
#FOWC – Ounce
🎤 🎼 🎤 🎵 🎤 🎶 🎤
Weighed myself on the bathroom scale today.
I gained fifteen pounds. No goddamn way!
Eatin’ Dunkin Donuts – now what you gonna do?
With an ass that big no man will look at you.
Planned a two-week vacation in the land of Eritrea.
Lookin’ like a tub of lard they just might mistake ya
For an elephant, a rhino, or a hippo or a pig.
Why’d I ever let myself get so freakin’ big!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
OMG! I’m pulling out my hair!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
Listen when I tell ya it just ain’t fair!
Suppose I could put myself on a damn diet.
I really don’t wanna cos I know I won’t like it.
Maybe I should get a pass to my local gym;
Hop on the treadmill and get myself slim.
Lots of them gym rats look mighty hunky;
Maybe one or two will like a girl who’s chunky.
But working out will have me sweating like crazy.
Fact of the matter is I’m just too goddamn lazy!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
OMG! I’m pulling out my hair!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
Listen when I tell ya it just ain’t fair!
Got me a pair of some violet spandex pants
But I didn’t look like JLO when she does a sexy dance.
I looked like a balloon in the Christmas Day parade
Or a big fat-ass clown in the penny arcade.
At the gym was some guy called Aristophanes,
All greased up, looking pretty as you please.
This guy was hotter than melting candle wax.
I wanna take him home, give his ass a few smacks.
An ounce here, an ounce there.
OMG! I’m pulling out my hair!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
Listen when I tell ya it just ain’t fair!
I started warmin’ up and I know I caught his eye
Cos he walked right up to me saying “My, oh my!
You are one fine mama in those pants so tight.
Let’s blow this joint and have some fun tonight!”
I said “Oh yeah, baby. You lookin’ mighty hot.
Come back to my place and show me what you got.”
But when we got home he couldn’t get my pants off
He was a-huffin’ and a-puffin’ like Sir Peter Ustinov.
An ounce here, an ounce there.
OMG! I’m pulling out my hair!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
Listen when I tell ya it just ain’t fair!
My ass got so big it filled up my recliner
And here I was thinkin’ I looked even finer
Than Kim Kardashian and her big ass sister too
But I was plenty wrong! Oh, what’s a girl to do?
Now wait just a minute – there still may be some hope.
That guy called Aristophanes thought I looked dope.
I’ll go back to the gym in my spandex all a-glitter
And this time they will have a nice long zipper!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
Let’s cut out all this drama!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
I’m a phat ass mama!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
Let’s cut out all this drama!
An ounce here, an ounce there.
Just call me when you wanna!
🎤 🎼 🎤 🎵 🎤 🎶 🎤
NAR © 2021
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