“Alright, people! Listen up! In case you don’t know who I am, let me introduce myself. I’m Nina Russo, director for tonight’s broadcast.
What you see here are our two presidential candidates and the moderator for this evening’s debate, courtesy of the fine ladies and gentlemen over at carpentry. Candidates, say hello to my crew. Oh, I forgot. They’re dummies, incapable of doing anything; that, my fine people, is your job, to turn our three Pinocchio’s here into real live men.
OK, let me see a show of hands from everyone in AI. Excellent! I’ve been told Preston’s in charge of all the magic you guys are going to create. You have a question, talk to Preston. He’s the man who will advise you about everything. I want you to be sure the eyeballs move and blink and don’t just stare into space like the real candidates. The eye and the mouth movements … it’s imperative they are perfectly in sync with their CG voices.
I almost forgot! Teeth! Dr. Mike Hillman, dentist extraordinaire, is here to assist you in choosing the perfect set of teeth for each mouth. It’s the little, overlooked things like teeth and birthmarks that can spell disaster.
I cannot stress the importance of making these bozos look like they’re really talking. You people running the computers and teleprompters … you screw up, even by a nano second, and that could be a catastrophe. My ass will be grass and that will make me very unhappy. And when I’m unhappy, everyone is unhappy.
There will be no cell phones in the studio tonight. No books, magazines, iPads, Wordle, Candy Crush, Solitaire, WhatsApp, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, TikTok, texting, yadda, yadda, yadda. Get it? I don’t want anything that might distract you. In fact, I want my computer guys, recording synchers, camera operators and teleprompters in plexiglass booths like we did during the Covid press conferences. Concentration is key tonight, people. Gary, you were in charge of the team working on the booths three years ago … is that correct? And do we still have the booths available to us? Great, I want you in charge again tonight.
Arm and hand movement is crucial; I want these puppets doing every little thing you’d see the man on the street doing: gesticulating, pointing a finger, putting a hand up to its head, sticking a hand in its pocket, holding a glass of water, pounding the podium, rubbing an ear, crossing arms. AI people – you hearing me?
And speaking of ears, where are my makeup people? Claudia, you’re in charge of makeup. Look, those are the worst ears I’ve ever seen. Fix them, please; they need to be exact. Regarding makeup, I want perfection tonight. Hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, lip color, complexion. You all have photos of these three clowns: study them, refer to them. I don’t want anything out of place – not a mole, a scar or a nose hair, got it?
Wardrobe! Again, study their photos. Pablo, give me some good news and tell me the padding is here. Yes? Excellent! Look people, we’ve got body padding of every size imaginable. Find the right one and pump these guys up a bit. Remember … they’re not gym rats, they’re politicians so easy on the muscles. We’ve got suits on racks in the back along with shirts, belts, ties, socks and shoes. Match them up perfectly with each candidate. If he wears a wedding band or a Masonic ring, make sure it’s on his finger and for God’s sake, make sure it’s the right ring. That goes for watches, cuff links, tie bars, tie tacks and lapel pins. And if he cut his finger this morning, don’t forget the band aid. Detail is paramount; I cannot stress that enough.
Glasses. Neither of the candidates wears glasses but the moderator does. Make sure he’s wearing the right pair.
Listen, you may think the viewers at home are easily fooled and you’re right. Still, I will not put my reputation on the line by anyone mucking up even the slightest thing. I want perfection. I don’t want so much as a questioning glance from their parents, their wives, their kids, their pets, their lovers, their doctors, their call girls, rent boys or drug dealers. Do I make myself clear?
OK. It’s seven hours till showtime. Millions will be watching at home, in bars, in gyms everywhere across the world. We need to keep this believable until our man’s in office. Then it becomes someone else’s problem. I’m counting on each one of you. And for crying out loud, if you need a break, take five and plug yourselves in. There are ports all around the studio. I want you all on top of your game tonight. Is that clear?
Ok everyone, I want you to meet Chase Bennett and Kate Reynolds, my assistants. They’re going to take over for the next hour or so. Do everything they tell you to do.
Chase, walk with me. I presume my ionic bed is fully charged? Good! I’m going to rest a bit, plug in and recharge for tonight’s broadcast. Keep everything on track, Chase. The eyes of the world will be on those bobble heads tonight. We need those lying presidential eyes looking straight into the camera saying ‘Trust me’.”
AKA humanoid Nancy Richy
NAR © 2023
#FFFC
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